Day of Reckoning or Is It?

The past three days have been some of the longest of my life.

They have been lonely.
Three days ago they took a lot of blood from my body.

They were testing to see if I had cancer or an autoimmune disease among other ailments.

I haven't had anyone to share my worries with.

I have felt alone and have tried to hold it together by myself.

My husband hasn't seemed to really want to talk about it and likes to say I'm a hypochondriac.  And my children are too young and my parents too old.  Only one friend knows, but what can she do?

It's one of those things where there are people all around me, but I'm an island.

I have turned to food, one of my old friends that i haven't let come in to comfort me in such a long time - ever since Intuitive Eating became a part of my life.  One of the main principles  of intuitive eating is to eat when you're hungry.  Well, Wednesday night I was not hungry, but I ate to numb my feelings.  It worked and I have to say that I'm thankful that I could do that.  Some would say that I should have faced my feelings and taken them head on.  There will be a time for that, but right then, the past three days, I've needed numbing.  I've used food, social media and the computer to distract.  I can't face my feelings now and the biggest reason is because I don't know what I will be facing.

It could be nothing.

It could be cancer.

I feel a slight paralysis.  I seem to be waiting, balancing on the edge of the cliff, not knowing which direction I will fall.  I want to act like everything is normal, and maybe it is, but since I can't yet pretend that I'm fine and I can't yet pretend that everything is not fine, I teeter back and forth between the two, not able to believe either.

I pray that the doctor will call.  That he will have answers.  And that I can then work my way out of whatever I find myself in.

My mother calls.  I want so badly to tell her.  She has her own problems and I don't even know if this is a problem.  She just got her chemotherapy port out from her battler with breast cancer.  She is a wonderful example to me, but  I know she worries about me more than about herself.  I can't tell her of the uncertainty that I'm facing.

I wait.

And I wait.