Mono?

Blah, Blah, Blah, I had mono.  The mono test came back negative, but my IgG test said that I have had mono before.  On this particular test, if you score over 21.9 then it shows that mono anti-bodies are present and therefore you have had mono.  My score was 600.  What?  The doctor guess that I must have had if very recently.  Of all the tests that they did, this was the best possible situation.  Yay!  The strange thing is my joint pain and that I'm still filling symptoms and that I still have petechiae from time to time.  Well the Doctor said that sometimes you immune system takes some time to heal.

In the mean time, some things that I'm trying to do for my immune system is get enough sleep.
Ideally from 9:30pm-5:30am with a 30 minute nap in the afternoon.

I'm doing push-ups, mountain climbers, yoga bicycles, and planks in the morning before I get going.  I'm starting slow with these and each month I'll add to it.  I'd like to jump right in to exercising again, but I know I have to take it slow.  I love the exercise and the way it makes me feel.

On Mondays I teach my yoga class.  On the other days of the week, I'm going to start walking.  First starting with a mile and progressively adding to that amount.

In the evenings, if my husband is home, we'll go for a 30 minute walk.  (except on Tuesdays, I'll go to a 60 minute yoga class.)  If he's out of town, I'll do some yoga at home for about 20-30 minutes.  I really love exercising in the evening!

In January, I'll start adding a yoga class on Fridays.

Before bed I do a series of slow deep yoga stretches.  The bedtime routine is, standing forward fold, standing wide angle forward fold C, pigeon/king pigeon, child pose, thread the needle, wide angle forward fold and then to the side to each leg, bridge pose, happy baby, supine garudasana twist, legs on the bed then butterfly while on my back, and then savasana.  After this my mind is quiet and ready to commune with the Divine.  It's beautiful!

Now as far as nutrition.  I'm really into intuitive eating so it is difficult to say exactly what I eat, but the things I really try to fit in are
1.  Warm lemon water first thing in the morning
2.  Fresh carrot/apple/grapefruit juice
3.  Green smoothie with two huge handfuls of spinach

The rest I try to have good meals that taste good.  I enjoy eating lots of vegetables and fruits.  I try to add them whenever I can.  I also try to avoid white flour/rice and red meat.

That's the plan.  I hope it works and I stop ending up in bed with a fever and aches.

Soon, I'm going to tell you our story about a dog and how this is going to be THE BEST CHRISTMAS EVER!

Day of Reckoning or Is It?

The past three days have been some of the longest of my life.

They have been lonely.
Three days ago they took a lot of blood from my body.

They were testing to see if I had cancer or an autoimmune disease among other ailments.

I haven't had anyone to share my worries with.

I have felt alone and have tried to hold it together by myself.

My husband hasn't seemed to really want to talk about it and likes to say I'm a hypochondriac.  And my children are too young and my parents too old.  Only one friend knows, but what can she do?

It's one of those things where there are people all around me, but I'm an island.

I have turned to food, one of my old friends that i haven't let come in to comfort me in such a long time - ever since Intuitive Eating became a part of my life.  One of the main principles  of intuitive eating is to eat when you're hungry.  Well, Wednesday night I was not hungry, but I ate to numb my feelings.  It worked and I have to say that I'm thankful that I could do that.  Some would say that I should have faced my feelings and taken them head on.  There will be a time for that, but right then, the past three days, I've needed numbing.  I've used food, social media and the computer to distract.  I can't face my feelings now and the biggest reason is because I don't know what I will be facing.

It could be nothing.

It could be cancer.

I feel a slight paralysis.  I seem to be waiting, balancing on the edge of the cliff, not knowing which direction I will fall.  I want to act like everything is normal, and maybe it is, but since I can't yet pretend that I'm fine and I can't yet pretend that everything is not fine, I teeter back and forth between the two, not able to believe either.

I pray that the doctor will call.  That he will have answers.  And that I can then work my way out of whatever I find myself in.

My mother calls.  I want so badly to tell her.  She has her own problems and I don't even know if this is a problem.  She just got her chemotherapy port out from her battler with breast cancer.  She is a wonderful example to me, but  I know she worries about me more than about herself.  I can't tell her of the uncertainty that I'm facing.

I wait.

And I wait.

The Eye of The Tornado

We all feel things in our bodies - different variations of wellness.  Sometimes we get headaches.  Sometimes we are tired.  Sometimes we have a harder time recovering froma workout and wake up sore.  There are variances in our lives and in our bodies and most of these things only get a passing nod from our consciences.  For a split second our attention is turned inwardly - the sensation is acknowledged and then we move on.  This is what has been happening to me.  I would get a little fever.  I'd barely notice it as I baked, carpooled, and cleaned.  Sometimes, though, I'd rest for a time.  That usually did the trick and I would be good to go for the rest of the day.  Sometimes the fever was there the next day, but not usually more than 3 or so days in a row.  Then several days would pass.  We went through a time where a child would get sick and I'd have one of my fevers and I'd rest while they reseted.  Then in about five more days, another child would be sick and I realized that I didn't really feel that great either.  So I'd rest while they rested and soon we'd both feel better again.  After several episodes like this, I found myself seeing the bigger picture.  The picture that was of me getting fever after fever.  They were always low-grade fevers and so mostly consisted of headaches, but had a hint of that crappy feeling that fevers offer so generously.

Then just this week I got another one of my fevers, but this time I was SO bugged.  I needed to get things done, but I felt just crappy enough that I found myself resting in bed.  And then after I taught my yoga class, I looked down at my upper arm and say them.  They were there again and I wondered, for the first time if they could be connected to my fevers.  "They" are petechiae.  Small little broken blood vessels in a little clump.  These little babies had been a part of my life for several months.  Something I just ignored.  One time at a family reunion, I got them so bad that it looked like blood.  My husband told me that I bruise easily.  I accepted this, but not completely.  It stayed in the back of my mind as odd.

Another one of my pains was my finger joints.  When I would push on my cell phone, the joints of my fingers would ache slightly.  I attributed this to popping my knuckles for so many years.  I stopped popping my knuckles.

All these little symptoms were like wind, a small breeze that was easily ignored.  But then suddenly, I was able to see that it was more of an seemingly organized swirl, as though now I was looking from above and noticing that the wind I had been experiencing was part of a little tornado.  It occurred to me that these things may be connected.

I mentioned my symptoms to my friend who is an oncologist.  He suggested that I get them checked out sooner rather than later.  He suggested getting my blood count measured (this signifies cancer) and also tests to determine if there is an autoimmune disease.  I made an appointment for that day.

I met with Dr. Taylor.  He seemed thoughtful and really took in what I was saying.  This I was grateful for and yet I kind of half expected him to say that it's probably nothing and to go home and just see what happens.  Instead he agreed that a CBC (complete blood count test) should be given as well as several autoimmune tests along with a thyroid and mono test.

The phlebotomist did a wonderful job.  For this I was grateful - even though it has been almost a day and my arm still hurts every time I bend at my elbow.

They took out a lot of blood.  That makes me nervous.  It makes me nervous that they are taking this seriously.  I have one more day to wait for the results.  My thoughts go from ignoring it (I've hardly told anyone what is going on.) and then wondering what I would do if it actually was cancer or an autoimmune disease.  "This wasn't supposed to happen to me," is the next voice I hear - even though in reality, as far as I know, nothing has actually happened.  And then the quiet thought of "This wasn't supposed to be the story of my life."  And then I wait and I wonder if this will change everything.  I wonder if I will have what it takes to take care of my family and some big diagnoses.  There are lots of worries, probably  most of them empty, but the fact that they are testing them is something that makes me nervous.  I keep wanting to share my worries with my mom, but I know that it's unfair.  She will think the worse and if it turns out to be nothing, then I will have worried her for nothing.  There is something strangely relieving to know someone is doing some of the worrying for you, but not this time.  This time I will have to do this alone.  I will worry alone and I will wait for the call from the doctor that is supposed to come tomorrow.   The waiting is becoming painful.  I just want to know; that way I can jump into action whether that action is through educating myself or finding specialists that can help - whatever.  And yet a part of me doesn't want everything to change.  A part of me is okay with not facing reality, but it is a small part.

And so I sit.  It is quiet as in the eye of the tornado. And I wait and wait.

Moms, Be Kind to Yourselves

You hold it together.
You're a mom.
Stresses happen.
Kids argue.
Issues happen at school.
Expectations are not met.
You take each thing - one at a time.
You know your weaknesses.

You pray.

You look for inspiration.
You probe your heart hoping to hear the answers.
And then you jump into the game and you fight.
You fight for your kids.
You fight with your kids.
Your kids fight.
You try.
You become hard on yourself.
You get a dose of perspective.
You become grateful.
And then you go to bed.
As you slumber you hope for grace.  
You hope for forgiveness.
And then you smile, because grace and forgiveness are there for those who try.
You know you try.
And you know that God is God.
And at the end of the day - at the end of a life,
You wipe your tears,
and realize that everything is okay.
It has always been okay.

This is Where We Live

At the bottom of a mountain with lots of space to explore.

The boys and I went on a "snake hunt" this evening.

 Even the cat came along.

One of the Best Family Hikes In Utah

This is the best hike for families!

And it has made it into my top ten favorite hikes.

Little Wild Horse Canyon

in Goblin Valley, Utah

It's pretty much flat.

It's shaded most of the time.

And the changes in rocks keeps everyone entertained.

Toward the beginning of the hike, 

there was this circular crater.

Apparently, it wasn't there in the past - it just formed in the last year.

There was a quick and scary way to go around the pit

and a longer, less scary way to go around.

Stafford(6), Porter(10) and I went the long way.

Glenn, Warrick(8) and Christian(13) went the short way.

The part where they had to jump from ledge to ledge helped me make my route decision.

I don't do leaps over deep crevices.

I loved this hike.

We walked for over an hour,

sat and ate trail mix,

then walked back down.

I Miss My Mom

My mom came to visit at the end of last week.

We watched Porter's track meet.

We went to BYU Women's Conference.

And just enjoyed time together.

My mom is light hearted.  I love that about her.  She naturally doesn't take things too seriously.  She didn't complain and is probably one of the easiest people in the world to get a long with.

She is friendly.  She talks to others.  She gives strangers compliments.  She tells them how cute their kids are.  She smiles.

One woman on a bus next to my mom started telling her about her problems.  Everyone has hard lives.  That woman didn't know that my mom just had 6 rounds of chemotherapy and was wearing a wig.  Mom cheered her on and gave her encouragement.

When she left, I missed her.  I missed her spirit.  I think in a very, very, very small way, that is how the Nephites must have felt when Christ left them.  What a blessing in our lives are people who, through their goodness, we can feel we understand Christ a little better.  Those are the people that when the bell tolls for them, it tolls for all mankind.

Both grandmas got to see Porter run.

Mom helped with crafts at Home Depot before she left.